


Unfinished

by goldlion



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Headaches & Migraines, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-10 17:46:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28241115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldlion/pseuds/goldlion
Summary: Nolan keeps being pushed away from hockey, so he pushes hockey away.(Unfinished)
Relationships: Nolan Patrick/Jonathan Toews, Travis Konecny/Nolan Patrick
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Unfinished

**Author's Note:**

> I started this so long ago and I know I'm never going to finish it so  
> Tell me if you think I should add anything else on the tags.

It all starts when the Flyers make the playoffs. Nolan’s migraines are slowly getting to a point where he can actually manage them, but it’s still not enough for him to be able to play. He knows deep down he should stay in Philly and support his boys, support his boyfriend, even if he can’t help them play for something he’s been dreaming his entire life. He knows, when he gets on a plane back home to Winnipeg, that it’s selfish to leave, even if he doesn’t think he could handle stepping into the arena and just watch, wishing it was him on the ice instead of his teammates. He knows he’s disappointing everyone, especially Travis, when he leaves with a goodbye that’s almost forgotten, wishes of good luck that are said with a heavy heart, all the guilt and the anger consuming him, as if he could change it if he tried a little bit harder. He leaves, thinking that he shouldn’t. But he goes without glancing back, escaping Travis arms almost as warning as to what would come after that. 

* 

Nolan visits his parents as soon as he arrives, preventing them from coming over and fussing over him while he’s wallowing in self-pity. The concerned looks his mother gives him are easy to ignore, the conversations his sisters try to initiate about his feelings even easier to deflect. As soon as he is able to, Nolan retreats to his house, quiet and empty, without much of a goal except waiting for time to pass him by. 

The first three days are spent mainly lying in bed, eating because he has to, taking his medication because he has to, pretending to be okay when he phones Travis just because he has to. On the fourth, a migraine surprises him when he least expects it, and he lays on the bathroom floor, wanting to feel the cold on his forehead, but also being ready to throw up at any time. The medication dulls the ache, even if it doesn’t stop it completely, and it’s there on his bathroom floor that he realizes that all of this has a lot more to do with his head than with the flyers making the playoffs. 

He’s left with no energy to return Travis’ call and do the same theater they’ve been doing every night, acting like they’re perfectly fine and like Nolan didn’t leave his boyfriend just when he needed him the most. Instead, he calls his mom, looking to deal with the loneliness he’s putting himself through. 

The moment she picks up, Nolan can hear the uneasiness in her voice, as if she’s waiting for him to tell him something awful, even if she’s clearly trying to hide that. 

“Hi, Nolan.” She greets. 

“Hey, mom.” 

“Is everything okay? Do you need me to come over?” 

“No, mom just called to talk for a bit.” 

“Oh.” She sighs, clearly relieved. “Are you okay then? Eating well? Taking your meds?” 

“I am, yeah.” 

“Good, you should come over here again sometime. You need to go out, or hang out with your friends, or something. It’s not good to spend your days just lying alone in that house.” She says it lightly, just a simple suggestion, but he knows he’ll have to show up if he doesn’t want her to come to his house unannounced. “How about tomorrow? We could all watch the game, with your father, no?” And shit, his brain probably switched off on everything about hockey, because there is no way he would remember that the Flyers are playing their first playoff game if his mother didn’t tell him. 

“Yeah, maybe, but I’ll probably just invite some friends to catch up and watch it, you know?” He answers, but they both know he won’t, he wouldn’t let himself have that distraction. He doesn’t think he’ll actually watch the game, but Nolan knows he has to at least be able to see the score, to comfort Travis if it’s bad, to congratulate him if it’s good. 

“Okay, honey, then let me know tomorrow. Bye.” The sad tone in her voice is evident and Nolan hates to be the one causing that, even if he hasn’t got the strength to change it to something happier. 

“Bye.” 

He hangs up the call, and drops his phone on the nightstand, the reminder of Travis’ missed call not letting him rest even when he’s fast asleep. 

* 

The first rays of sun enter the room after Nolan has been awake for what it feels like hours. He can’t even be mad that he forgot to close the blinds, because he remembers today is the day of the game and that’s what made him lose his sleep in the first place anyways. 

* 

Nolan is still lying in his bedroom, now with the blinds closed, when the sharp ringtone of his phone echoes in the quiet room. There aren’t that many options as to who could be calling, but he checks his phone in case it’s an emergency or something like that. Turns out it’s just Travis again, probably post pre-game nap, wanting to know why he hasn’t called back, or anxious for the first playoff game of the season, or just checking up on him because he’s a good boyfriend, unlike Nolan himself. He lets it ring once more and feels the exhaustion spreading through his body, the dread at the thought of how he keeps screwing the little he still has left. 

He waits around an hour and texts Travis just “good luck”, no pet names, no emojis, no more encouragement than that. He gets up to lay on the couch, to quiet his brain that’s demanding for him to watch the game. Travis’ response is almost immediate, “thank you baby”, heart emoji in the, as if he’s not the one that’s actually busy, pretending and lying to himself about whether or not Nolan could have written him something a bit more honest. 

The game is starting in a couple hours, which he spends trying to fall asleep unsuccessfully, no point in attempting to quiet his mind when it doesn’t want to be quiet. Nolan turns on the TV, because he needs to get over himself for once in his life and make a sacrifice to do the right thing. 

The game is starting in a few minutes, so they’re showing highlights of warm ups while previewing the game. The Flyers start on home ice against the Pens and it’s almost like he can imagine himself on the ice, the crowd’s screams deafening in his ears, pushing them all to fight and give the fans the victory. He can imagine after, when they win, the party in the locker room, the happiness and the demand of a city who wants to feel ecstatic again, like they can win, putting pressure on them to keep them going even when it looks like it’s time to give up. 

Travis shows up on the screen and there are tears burning in his eyes, because it’s not just the city or the team, it’s them together, the two against the world. Or it should be, but the universe probably doesn’t want that to happen, or Nolan is making it more difficult than it should be. Or maybe it’s both and he should just forget about the nights spent in bed, dreaming of winning, not just in hockey but in life too, a world where they’re together and they don’t need anything more than that. 

The doorbell rings, taking him back to the real world, which makes the pain in his heart even more evident. He’s dreaming and planning and projecting, because nothing ever stays right for long in his own life, but he would hate for his mom to interrupt that, to coddle him until he can’t bear to look at her anymore, because he can see the ache in her eyes, like it’s reflecting of what’s in front of her. He knows that that is what’s going to happen because it wouldn’t be the first time, almost a constant in his life. He knows when things start to go well, something new shows up to fuck his life up. And it could be so much worse, he’s conscious his misfortunes still make him lucky when compared to others, but the tiredness settles in more each time, as if every time it happens it’s worse than before, making him feel like there in no hope for the future in front of him. 

Nolan heads to the door with effort, prepared to excuse his bleary eyes with a headache or something like that. What he is not prepared for is to find Jonathan Toews behind his door, standing relaxed, hands inside his sweatpants pockets. Nolan nearly gasps in surprise, immediately adverting his eyes to the ground because that’s not how he wants his childhood idol to see him. He risks peaking up at his expression and Jonny Is looking him up and down with a concerned expression. 

“Hey, Nolan.” He greets. “Everything okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m fine.” He answers in a small voice. “What are you doing here?” 

“Heard you were in town, thought I’d check up on you. Looks like you’ve been needing that, eh? You here all by yourself?” There is an insinuation in his tone that Nolan doesn’t like, almost patronizing, and he crosses his arms over himself in embarrassment. Truth be told, he hasn’t really been thinking about how he looks. He can’t remember the last time he showered, or the last time he ate, or the last time he worked out. At least he’s taking his pills, but it’s not like he’s doing much more than that and lying around in bed. 

“Yes, but I’m fine.” Something crosses Jonny’s face, a purse of his lips in disagreement. Nolan doesn’t appreciate the look even if he does appreciate the thought and while he may not be feeling his best, the last person in the list of people he would ask for help is probably Jonathan Toews. He’s always been stubborn, never knowing how to ask for help, never knowing how to take it when it’s offered and refusing it most when it’s forced upon him. 

There’s a thick silence in the air, Jonny looking like he’s waiting for something. Nolan doesn’t understand what though, so he stays there cross armed, almost blushing, the way he’s used to feel around Jonathan that he doesn’t really feel around anyone else. They stay like that until Jonny sighs deeply and says, “Will you let me in or are we just going to stand here string at each other?” And he hadn’t even realized that Jonny wanted to stay, stepping back instantly to let him in. 

“Yeah, sorry.” Nolan mumbles. 

Jonny takes his shoes off and walks to the living room that’s right in front of them, Nolan trailing behind him like that’s not his house. 

They enter the living room, where the TV is still on and the game has already started. Jonny’s team didn’t even make the playoffs but he doesn’t look like he minds all that much. He turns to Nolan, his dark eyes unreadable, like always. “You want to watch the game?” He asks. 

“I don’t think I can.” Nolan confesses. Jonny always brings out this part of him that he doesn’t know how to control, that doesn´t come out with anyone else, not even TK. He thinks it might have to do with the fact that this was his idol growing up and now he’s there and he cares enough about Nolan to make the time to talk and to check up on him. It makes him feel like he owes Jonny something, despite knowing that Jonny doesn’t feel like that and does what he wants because he wants to. 

“Then maybe you should take a shower while I make something for dinner.” Jonny suggests, making Nolan embarrassed all over again. He knows the older man is always like this, goes straight to the point and doesn’t try to embellish any situations. At the same time, it does feel good to have someone there to look after him and deciding for him, because he definitely did not have the strength to pick himself up. 

Nolan nods his head and heads to the bathroom, leaving Jonny to turn off the television. He tries to make it quick, but ends up standing under the spray for a long time, lost in thoughts about TK and Jonny and hockey. He’s quick to get dressed and joins Jonny in the kitchen, where there are two plates on the table already. 

“Hey.” Nolan greets as he walks in. 

Jonny smiles and they sit down at the table to eat. They don’t talk much while they’re eating, just catching up. They’ve gotten to know each other pretty well from the time they have spent together in the summers and it’s as if Jonny knows better than to touch on hockey or his head. The silence is comfortable though and their friendship has always been like this. They don’t need to talk a lot, but Jonny always makes Nolan feel better, whether by small gestures or just by being present in the same room as him. In the end, Nolan knows he will eventually tell Jonny everything, because that’s how they work, Nolan always giving Jonny everything he has. 

They finish up dinner and do the dishes together. It’s times like those, when they are close, that Nolan notices the little things about Jonny he didn’t notice before they actually met. Sure, there was always the attraction to his hockey, the way he played, the body that carried him. But it’s after meeting him that he gains something like a crush for him, starts looking at his strong hands and his dark eyes. It’s then he starts to feels chills every time Jonny looks at him and it’s then he realizes no one has ever made him feel like Jonny does. 

Nolan’s observing him while he thinks, which makes Jonny lift his head and look him in the eye. “Hey, everything okay?” He asks, smirking, like he knows what Nolan is thinking, like he knows exactly how he makes Nolan feel. 

“Yeah, just got distracted, sorry.” Nolan says, blushing once again. 

They finish up in silence, but this time there is a tension between them. Nolan knows it’s more his fault, with the way his brain doesn’t stop focusing on Jonny and Travis at the same time. It’s different with both of them, and the things Nolan lets Jonny get away with don’t compare with his relationship with Travis. It makes him feel guilty, especially when his brain seems to want to forget Travis in that moment, because Travis means Philly, and Philly means thinking about the hockey he can’t play. Jonny is just home and it feels way less complicated because he doesn’t have to think about anything else. 

“You want to go outside?” Jonny’s voice pulls him from his thoughts. “We can smoke for a bit if you want.” And this, this is how they bond every time, how they break the ice after not seeing each other for a while. It’s a constant in their friendship, nights in the off season just letting go of hockey, getting high under the stars, talking about what their fears and their hopes are. Usually Nolan talks the most, forgets his inhibitions, but Jonny’s always there. He might even be the only person who’s seen Nolan like that. 

“Sure.” Nolan heads to the backyard. There’s a couch and table with chairs, but that’s not how they this. Instead, he picks up a blanket and lays it down on the grass. He sits cross legged, waiting for Jonny. It’s not the warmest outside, but he doesn’t really feel that cold. As he waits, Nolan let’s himself just breathe, thankful for Jonny, because he feels way better after being taken care of. The sound of steps warns him for Jonny’s comeback, who’s quick to join him on the floor. His hands hold two joints already rolled, making Nolan shaky even before they start smoking. He’s used to being relaxed when he wants to indulge in this, not able to during the season. That night, something is going off on his chest, almost as a warning, telling him that smoking with Jonny, when he’s upset about his life and ignoring his boyfriend, is certainly not a good idea. 

“Bud,” Jonny murmurs, “you gotta relax.” His eyes look thoughtful as he looks Nolan up and down, a hint of concern in his expression. “You know we don’t have to this if you don’t want to, right?” His voice is still low, like he doesn’t want to startle Nolan. 

“I know, I know. I want to, don’t worry.” Jonny glances at him, showing uncertainty for the first time that night. Still, he takes a joint to his mouth, lighter on his other hand. Jonny’s eyes are closed as he lights it and inhales, and Nolan takes the time to observe him properly. Most people probably wouldn’t define Jonny as beautiful or pretty, but he’s always been the type of person you can’t ignore, that draws your attention and doesn’t let you turn away. He exhales and opens his eyes, meeting Nolan’s with the expression he always seems to hold around him, like he knows Nolan wants more, but never crosses the line to give it to him. 

“Here.” Jonny says, handing him the joint. They’re lying on their elbows, just close enough that they only touch if one of them moves. Nolan let’s himself breathe in the smoke, letting it flow all the way into his lungs. He can sense Jonny’s eyes on him, but keeps looking at the stars above them. 

They maintain a rhythm, passing the joint back and forth, quietly inhaling and exhaling. By tie they finish the first one, Nolan is already feeling kind of dizzy, having to concentrate to make his body move. When Jonny asks him if he wants to light the other one, he refuses, closing his eyes lying back on the blanket. Even with his eyes closed, the world is spinning around him, leaving him in the hazy state he hasn’t felt like in a while. 

Nolan’s mouth is dry and he gets up to bring some water from the kitchen. When he comes back outside, he sits even closer to Jonny, thighs pressed close together. “Maybe you could light the other one, eh?” He suggests. 

“Sure.” Jonny responds. Nolan goes back to observing the process, now with no shame since he’s a little loose. There’s something in a way Jonny moves and he can’t stop staring, feeling an insatiable desire growing inside of him. 

This time, when Jonny passes him the joint, Nolan doesn’t avert his eyes and holds Jonny’s gaze as he inhales. The tension between the two of them is palpable in the air, the most it has ever been all the while they’ve known each other. Jonny takes a drag of the joint as soon as it’s given back to him and Nolan doesn’t have the willpower to stop himself, just grabs Jonny by his collar and joins their lips. Jonny lets out the smoke into his mouth and then they’re kissing, in a frenzy, killing a need that’s been growing between them for years now. 

Without even realizing, Nolan is climbing on Jonny’s lap, their mouths never leaving each other. Jonny has got one hand on the back of his neck while the other still holds the joint, kissing him ferociously. Nolan’s hands are dragging down Jonny’s chest and he stops the kiss, pressing their foreheads close together while both of them try to catch their breath. 

“I’m sorry.” Jonny whispers with his eyes closed, pushing Nolan lightly with the hand that was on his neck. “I know you can’t.” 

There are tears springing into Nolan’s eyes as he gets off of Jonny and lays back down next to him. His voice is hoarse when he mumbles, “I wish I could.” He’s sure now that Jonny wants him as much as he wants Jonny, but he knows he owes Travis to be better than that. 

They are quiet for a while, until Jonny speaks up. “Do you love him?” He asks. 

“I do. I think I do. But it’s not as simple as that.” Jonny hums, but doesn’t interrupt him. “If I fuck it up, I’m not sure there will be a place for me in Philly anymore. And I don’t want to hurt him, you know?” 

“You don’t have to if you love him.” Jonny takes the joint that’s almost burnt out to his lips with one hand while the other fiddles with the hem of his sweatshirt. He’s clearly holding something back from Nolan, but if he doesn’t want to talk Nolan won’t push. 

“I know, but I’m not even doing it on purpose. I just want to forget about hockey and not being able to play, but I can’t separate that from Travis. What kind of boyfriend am I if I can’t be happy for him right now? I barely want to talk to him at all.” Nolan confesses, keeping his eyes closed as if afraid of Jonny’s reaction to his confession. 

Jonny, however, is quick to answer, not judging him in the slightest. “Maybe you should talk to him, then. Sometimes you just need a break. I’m sure he would understand.” 

“Yeah, I’ll think about it.” He responds, even if they both know he won’t. They stay in silence for a while, the sounds of cars far away reaching Nolan’s ears louder than usual. He’s feeling more anxious than before he smoked, even though Jon just looks relaxed, swaying slightly from side to side, looking like he’s enjoying the cold breeze. 

When they decide to get up, Nolan sways, dizzy, but Jonny catches him by the elbow easily. His cheeks are on fire, but he thanks Jonny quietly. The pair folds the blanket and heads inside, where Nolan suggests for Jonny to stay the night. They don’t speak much Nolan shows him to the guest room, apart from the the required good night wishes. When Nolan leaves him, Jonny still looks high, unlike Nolan himself who has felt sober ever since the kiss they shared. As he reaches his room, he closes the door and lays on the bed, not even bothering to change his clothes. He tosses and turns until he falls asleep, but his night is restless, his mind thinking about Travis and what Nolan did to him.


End file.
